My Personal Thoughts

In pain

2009-09-23T08:08:00.001-07:00

I finally got what they meant by, " losing your best pal, is as painful as losing a girlfriend" Images after images flashed by, of the times we had spent toghether. Each, like shards of glass, stabs into my heart, injuring me, hurting me. Even if i sum up all the happy incident i had these few days, it is incomparable to even one second of you just sitting close to me. I tried to tire myself out. First time in my life, i ran 20 rounds around a track, done so many push ups sit ups. Even on the verge of breaking down from all that work out, what filled my mind was you. Nothing i do could get you off my mind. While eating, i'll recall the times we had out meal together. While studying, i'll recall when we studies together. I can't concentrate at all on my life, with what i'm doing. My head is splitting with the constant flow of your face filling my mind. My heart can't take it anymore. The pain, the sorrow. But all i could do, is to bury them in my heart. I wish i could just jump off the building right now, but there is too much at stake. All i can think of to ease this pain, is to slash my wrist. Hopefully, it will help to relieve the little pain of what i am feeling.

I still love you, my little brother, even if you don't anymore.

2009-09-16T19:56:00.000-07:00

"What Hurts The Most"

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you
That’s what I was trying to do
---------------------------------
Itsuka kokoro no oku no doa wo kataku anata wo matteiru
I still Love You! Past, present and the future. Even if you don't anymore.

Bullshit!

2009-07-31T06:40:00.000-07:00

From this day on, i have nothing to do with MSHSCO. Why am i wasting my time to help them? What? Just because what i tell you is out of my own will and not what the teachers told me to tell you, you dont have to listen? Like seriously what is this? Obviously the message i sent out have a serious tone in them, it showed that i WANT that work to be done isnt it? It is not like i expect the 250word essay to be in by midnight tonight right? What do you mean you have no time? Alot of work to do? For christ sake, I HAVE MORE HOMEWORK OK? Even after accepting your excuse, i asked nicely for you to TRY TO MAKE TIME TO DO THE ESSAY, which will only what? TAKE UP HALF AN HOUR OF YOUR TIME? You gave me a monosyllabus answer " no " . WTF LA?!?!? Here i am, risking my results by using time to think about co, trying to help you guys out as much as possible, here you are giving me this kind of attitude? The essay i wanted from you guys is a must and not an obligation for you to accept or reject. FUCKT IT! I wont ever interfere with you guys' work anymore. I doubt i will be of any help anyway! Good Luck MSHSCO! I'lll just join the other sec4s in bo chap co and concentrate on my studies. My life in MSHSCO ENDS HERE!

Damn disappointed in you. (sorry on the use of vulgarities but seriously i dont know how else could i express myself.)

Angry and Disappointed

2009-07-27T07:17:00.000-07:00

I can't contain myself anymore. First time in days i blog and it had have to be something bad! You who are supposedly close to me yet you do not understand me. Even those who are not close to me know that i am a very emotional person. Seriously your character just sucks! What is wrong with you? How can you imply that feelings of others are not important? After implying that, you say i do not care about your feelings. You say that i am self centred? You are contradicting yourself, you are "bending" your own principle for the sake of saying you yourself is not in the wrong. Since the passing of your late grandma i have been trying my best to cheer you up. Even before that, i tried to comfort you in whatever way i can whenever you confide with me things that makes you sad. Yet, you say i am self centred? I care for no one but myself? I am extremely pissed off and disappointed in you.

You, my di, should know that i put all my dis before myself. I care, love, treasure you all more than myself. Yet you say such hurtful things. You say i did not care for your feelings but i did. It is you who did not care for my feelings. You seek comfort in others and yet brought discomfort to others. Have you ever wonder or even reflect on why i was angry with you so many times? Can you name a case in which i am angry with you and it is not due to the cause of you being overly insensitive? I can tell you frankly and save you the trouble of recalling. NONE! So why cant you learn from even one of those times and seriously change your mindset. It is not only for my own good. With your " other people's feeling is negligible " thinking, no matter how good are you in your academic, YOU ARE BOUND TO FAIL IN LIFE!

P.S. WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE TO CRITIC ABOUT ME WHEN YOU ARE THE ONE IN THE WRONG?! (sorry on the use of vulgarities but seriously i dont know how else could i express myself.)

2009-07-11T07:09:00.000-07:00

It's a long long journey

Till I know where I'm supposed to be

It's a long long journey

And I don't know if I can believe

When shadows fall and block my eyes

I am lost and know that I must hide

It's a long long journey

Till I find my way home to you

Many days I've spent

Drifting on through empty shores

Wondering what's my purpose

Wondering how to make me strong

I know I will falter

I know I will cry

I know you'll be standing by my side

It's a long long journey

And I need to be close to you

Sometimes it feels no one understands

I don't even know why

I do the things I do

When pride builds me up till I can't see my soul

Will you break down these walls and pull me through

Cause It's a long long journey

Till I feel that I am worth the price

You paid for me on calvary

Beneath those stormy skies

When Satan mocks and friends turn to foes

It feels like everything is out to make me lose control

It's a long long journey

Till I find my way home to you

To you

----------------------------------------------

2009-07-03T02:34:00.000-07:00

You said goodbye

I fell apart

I fell from all we had

To I never knew

I needed you so bad

You need to let things go I know,

you told me so I've been through hell

To break the spell

Why did I ever let you slip away

Can't stand another day without you

Without the feeling

I once knew

I cry silently

I cry inside of me

I cry hopelessly

Cause I know I'll never breathe your love again

I cry Cause you're not here with me

Cause I'm lonely as can be

I cry hopelessly

Cause I know I'll never breathe your love again

If you could see me now

You would know just how

How hard I try Not to wonder why

I wish I could believe in something new

Oh please somebody tell me it's not true

I'll never be over you

Why did I ever let you slip away

Can't stand another day without you

Without the feeling I once knew

I cry silently

I cry inside of me

I cry hopelessly

Cause I know I'll never breathe your love again

I cry

Cause you're not here with me

Cause I'm lonely as can be

I cry hopelessly

Cause I know I'll never breathe your love again

If I could have you back tomorrow

If I could lose the pain and sorrow

I would do just anything

To make you see, still love me

I cry silently

I cry inside of me

I cry hopelessly

I cry silently

I cry inside of me

I cry hopelessly

Cause you're not here with me

I cry

Cause I'm lonely as can be

I cry hopelessly

Cause I know I'll never breathe your love again

-----------------------------------------------------

I swore to never tear for such things and yet. The tap broke, tear trickle down my cheek. It hurts. You have brought so much fun and joy into my life, my little brother. But yet you chose to end it this way. You left, to not hurt me. Yet, it hurts so much right now.

Tomorrow DSA!!

2009-07-01T07:13:00.000-07:00

OMG OMG OMG OMG!! I going Anderson Junior College for DSA tomorrow! The conductor is the some person conducting in TJCO. Meaning he heard my lousy skills before. And here i am using the same killer song.Killed myself the other time, hopefully i dont kill myself tomorrow =D Hahahaha hopefully school isnt too tiring! Im gonna have to rush down to AJC tomorrow after school. Bartley -> Bishan -> Yio chu kang whoa... I LOVE THE MRT!! CHEERS TO MRT!!

Woot i just remembered. I HAVE YET TO HAND UP PHYSICS HOMEWORK WHICH I'VE DONE!! ops! :P absent minded me. I'll leave it on my desk so i wont forget hahaha =D

Hahahaha :P Wooot time to sleep. If not i'll be a walking zombie tomorrow hahaha.

Recap

2009-06-29T23:50:00.000-07:00

Someone used to me close, told me he cant go for the camp during june holiday. Saying, " no time to finish my work how? " and all. With bad attitude, tone, character. That happened during june holdiays. In the end, camp cancelled. Now school reopen, he didnt do his holiday homework. So isnt it like a big excuse? a lie? i wouldnt be this angry if he had done his holiday homework. Whats with using excuses to entertain me when i told him about the camp? Me saying " Later Mrs Ng come find you not my problem ah.. " is just hoping you dont find yourself into trouble, not as a threaten to attend the damn camp. Let me reiterate what i said. His attitude, tone, character sucks! The time we had together, the things he said, everything seems to fake now. I dont know why i still feel so much towards this incident. I do not wish to care anymore. But my heart just cant stop. Here i thought our brotherhood will last the longest. Perhaps, i thought wrong.

Once my brother, always my brother. But if you do not wish to be anymore, just call my name. That is the only thing to free me from all this sorrow and pain, although it shows how fake you are. Saying this you do not mean.

First day of school

2009-06-29T05:15:00.000-07:00

First day of school and i was almost late for it. Haha :P On the way to school is like a total panic! I did not see any Marist. Im like omg!! Bad omen, no Marist = late! Hahaha thanks goodness i met Sebastian. Convinced me i wasnt really that late hahaha.

School was generally fine today =D Just that i got a newtimetable. Good news: LESSER CHINESE PERIODS!!!. The bad new? : more MATH PERIODS!! >.< *drops from heaven to hell*

Today Mr. Wu took over the first period of the day. So effectively, had to see him for 5periods today -_-" including RME. But surprisingly, haha i enjoyed the Mathematics lesson today. Probably because i've finally found my passion for math? The thrill, the excitement and the anticipation for more challenging questions. =D i absolutely love it! Hahahaha

Recess today was fun. Hahaha the conversation is so interesting =D Eat on the same table with people i dont talk much to. Hahaha laugh non stop =P Now i understand, friends are everwhere. I just have to open up to them, before i truly finds them =D

Oh damn. I good at nagging others to do their work. But i NEVER EVER do my own lol :P Holiday homework left : Physics powerpoint, physics 3 question. Chemistry workbook, chemistry paper. A&E math commmonwealth paper and st.margarets'. DIE!!!!!! >.<

LOVE SCHOOL TODAY!!! Although there are people i dont want to see. It is still generally, quite a nice, peaceful day for me =D hehehe